The Rock Diva's Realm

Three days! :-)

2009-12-14T19:00:15Z

I head home to California in 3 days!! So excited. And for once I'm not working crazy hours right up to my departure date, which is nice. I'll still be up packing the night before, I'm sure, but at least it's not a streak of 10-hour days trying to cover the hours of the day I leave.

Twice in the last two weeks my posse (Claudine and Blanche) has been able to get together for dinner and general catching-up on life. Med school and work and dancing have kept us geographically and temporally far apart for a while, but it was so refreshing and wonderful to hang out as a trio again. No matter how long it has been, they still know me so well, they can still make me laugh till root beer comes out my nose, and we can still understand each other just like the good old days when we were having Friday Lunch every week (though not always on Fridays!). That's when you know you have true best friends. :-)

Thursday night was Sarah's dance show at Smith. I spend many weekends up at Smith with her so I get to sit in on her company's Sunday night rehearsals. It has been truly fascinating to watch the dances form and evolve over weeks and weeks, not to mention the sociology of the group and the different ways choreographers handle their rehearsal time. The show was absolutely beautiful, all the girls looked great. After sitting so close to them in the studio during rehearsals, it was wonderful to have the farther-back viewpoint from the audience (not to mention a little higher up) so that I could really see the patterns and dimensions in space that the pieces created. The highlight was that Sarah's final project piece that she created for her choreography class was part of the show, since all three of her dancers were girls in the company. It was BEAUTIFUL, the girls did perfectly and the movement was interesting. The audience clapped very loudly. Although I had no part in the piece's creation really, I was very very proud of Sarah and her girls!

Friday night I returned to Smith unexpectedly to rescue Sarah, or rather, her car, which had been towed when the lot behind her dorm got plowed after Wednesday's snowstorm. Just about a year ago she walked 2 1/2 miles with me in the snow to get MY car un-towed after a snow storm, so it was the least I could do. I'm still grateful to her for that day, she saved my butt. :-)

This weekend was my office holiday party, which Sarah and I went to at my boss' house. We had a great time, everybody loved her (of course!) and there were five of us at the "kids' table" (i.e. the under-30 crowd) having waaaaay too much fun talking over dinner. We did a yankee-swap gift exchange and I got a great yoga calendar, brought by my coworker's awesome fiancee. Such fun to meet her, she's a riot! Sarah got a Dunkin Donuts gift card, about as perfect as it gets for her. :-)

Sunday we went to the Cape to see Sarah's sister; the town where she lives does a Christmas Stroll each year and Santa's station was on the porch of her house! So we all went and ate way too many cookies and snacky foods. Yum. Sarah's mom sent us home with about 300 leftover chocolate chip cookies that she baked for the occasion. My coworkers are reaping the benefits today in the lunchroom. :-)

Dance rehearsals started up again last week for our tour in Maine at the beginning of January (3 shows for schools). I had hoped that my lower back would heal up and feel better after two weeks off dancing, but during class it was still not liking it when I arched or engaged those muscles to kick my leg backward. All through the break I've been doing ice packs and heat, taking ibuprofin for the inflammation, stretching gently each day and massaging with a tennis ball. It feels okay for most normal daily activities, but I still get twinges every so often after long drives and definitely when I dance. Someone mentioned to me that perhaps it isn't a muscle thing but a skeletal alignment thing (which is making the muscles unhappy), and suggested I see a chiropractor. I've never been to one before. My impressions of them have spanned a wide range over the course of my life; the first I ever heard of them was in a news story about people who believe it's the only doctor you'll ever need and that it can cure anything, which I didn't buy. Later in life I knew many dancers at my old studio who were only able to keep dancing without pain because they got adjusted frequently, and I saw that it had fantastic results for them. But, I couldn't help noticing that once you start going you kind of have to keep going back, and I don't have the money for that necessarily. Still, I want to see if it will help this particular injury heal.

So when I get back from California and the Maine tour is over, I'm going to look into finding a chiropractor around here. Two of the dancers in my company go to a guy nearby who they really like, so I will be checking him out. I will also need to see the eye doctor (it's been two years and I'm squinting in my glasses) because I think part of the problem is that at work I'm constantly (unconsciously!) leaning forward to read the computer screen and it strains my back and neck. Doctor's appointments galore! Whatever it is, I really hope my back can be pacified and made happy again. I've had these knots/pains in my lower back and pelvis off and on since the car accident in March, which I doubt is a coincidence. But I'm really frustrated right now because I can't dance full-out, and I really hope it's not a permanent limitation. My lower back is my pride and joy as a dancer - it is the ONLY natural flexibility I have and the only thing my body can do better/more easily than the other people I've danced with in my life. I have no turnout in my hips, no especially wide range of motion in my arms or legs, and very tight Achilles tendons. My muscles were always naturally tight, but those I was able to stretch to a point of decent flexibility through very dedicated and consistent work (which I still must do to maintain my splits and such, but it gets results!). Bones cannot be reasoned with - they bend as much as they want to, and no further. If I wasn't going to be born with turnout or extension, at the very least I've been appreciative of my back's ability to arch and do these dramatic movements that I love so much. I want that back, dammit!!!

The shows and parents' visit!

2009-11-25T17:35:56Z

The show weekend and my parents' visit was about as perfect as could be!

Thursday morning I was still sore from tech the night before and my lower back still had knots, but I managed to get through the morning performance for seniors by going gentle on my body. Mom and dad followed my detailed directions from Boston airport through the subway and train to Providence, where I got them at the mall and we had lunch with pastor Beth and baby Piper, who is so adorable and SO mellow! She only protested once to let us know her diaper was full, and the rest of the time she smiled and gurgled and loved being held. I could still keel over with happiness that Beth is a mommy and that Piper is such a good baby!

With the rest of the day off work (and dance!), mom dad and I went home to drop the suitcases and take a nap, then headed back to Providence for dinner with my beloved adviser Jan. Rue De L'Espoir never fails us, and we had a wonderful meal with great conversation, as always. :-) Back at home we set up the air-beds, which have turned out to be an excellent investment. Mom and dad can stay at my apartment comfortably, we save on hotel/rental car costs, and I get to see more of them!

Friday we woke up in leisurely time, got bagels and coffee, then spent the better part of the late morning and afternoon raking the leaves in my yard. Or rather, dad raked pretty much all of them, to the point that he got blisters on his thumbs (forgot the duct tape... darn!) and mom and I bagged everything up. We did my entire back yard and front yard as well as the strip of grass alongside my driveway, which my neighbor so kindly raked last year for me so I wanted to return the favor. I was SO glad to have mom and dad's help! I know I could not have done this alone. And Mike, the lovely gentleman who lives on the other side of my duplex, was home and let us borrow his two rakes so we got to chat with him as we worked. He raked the entire yard for me last year, which was huge, so it was nice to be able to return the favor (back and knee problems kept him from doing it this year). Mom developed an interesting technique of opening the large paper leaf bags by pulling them over her head so she could push out the bottom corners from the inside! Hopefuly she will post those pictures. Sarah drove down from school near the end of this process and was astonished that this is what they flew 3,000 miles to do with our free Friday. :-)

Dinner at Chile's followed by leaving for warmup at 6, my back was feeling slowly better (thanks to Advil and muscle relaxers!) but still didn't like being crunched into an arch. [This was fairly frustrating, as my flexible back is my only natural advantage in dance, and normally I love using it; since the accident in March I've had issues with back knots three times, so I'm wondering if that's something I'll need to be mindful of from now on...] Of course, it wasn't until tech week that I realized that every single piece in this show is very back-intensive!

The Friday performance felt good, certainly better than Thursday morning's (it always does!), although we messed up a circle in the middle of the residency piece. One person miscounted rotations, we missed a step, somebody got switched into the wrong spot, but Steph is a quick thinker and did her jump right on time without Amanda holding onto her so we kept the circle turning and got to the next part with the music. Still, it was the kind of error which meant we could NOT send that video to Pascal Rioult (as was in our contract)! I was actually kind of relieved that we would have to film the Saturday show, because it's almost always stronger - we've got nothing to lose and no more shows to save up for at that point!

My beloved Claudini came to that show, it was wonderful to hug her and get the traditional "show picture" with her. :-) Sarah's parents were also there, which meant they got to meet my parents and talk a little bit before our planned brunch on Sunday. We stood around after the show and it was lovely and comfortable, just as I had hoped. Not that I was worried, really, they all have a lot in common. :-)

Saturday was another leisurely morning, my aunt Margie had arrived from DC the day before so wet met up with her for brunch at Meeting Street and then shopped around Thayer. Ran into my Blanche on the sidewalk for some unexpected hugs, as well as three fencing alum friends who were in town for the home meet. :-) Sarah headed to her house to help her parents prepare for the next day, and we met up with my aunt and uncle Patty and Vic for the Brown matinee production of Gilbert & Sullivan's The Gondoliers, which my cousin Jentina and her boyfriend Nate were in. Nate had a solo near the beginning, which he did beautifully, but for most of the remainder they were both in the background of the chorus. Still, a wonderfully funny story and well-acted by the leads. In true G&S fashion, the lovers always end up getting married and all problems are solved in the last song with a single magical solution!

Sarah came back for our big group family dinner at Kabob & Curry, which was yummy but all too short because I had to leave for warmup again. Winding through Federal Hill on a Saturday night at peak dinner time was.... stressful, to say the least. As I was hurrying toward the theater my boss drove up to get his tickets early, so that was good to know he made it! Still, I arrived in time to get my back warmed up, and thanks to lots of stretching throughout the day it was feeling much better. Sarah had pointed out that on Friday I looked like I was obviously trying to save my back, so that night I pulled out all the stops (safely!). It helped that Stacy, the woman who taught us the Rioult piece at the residency, was there for the show and had stopped into the dressing room to wish us well beforehand. We remembered every note, nailed every space and timing cue, and it felt more intense than ever before. And we got it all on tape!!

Several of us had back issues of varying intensity, and poor Mallory had rolled her ankle the night before so she was taped together and using ice packs during the intermission. Still, she's a trooper! We gathered up our energy for the second half, Deb's 23-minute piece (Finning) which changes moods several times. It felt beautiful, and the audience loved it.

Afterward I got to see so many good people who I've missed - Donna and Mel who danced with us last year, Jan, several studio parents and members of the board, and of course all my family who had made the trek across state lines for the show. I had moved half my stuff out of the dressing room the night before so it wasn't quite so much to carry out! Sarah massaged my back once we got home, bless her heart, so everything was nicely relaxed as I went to sleep. There is nothing like dating another dancer who knows where the muscles get sore and how to help them feel better!!! My knees were pretty black-and-blue from the residency piece (floor burn plus bruises) and then falling onto those floor burn spots in Finning. Ah well, battle scars!

Sunday morning Sarah headed up to her house to help finish the cooking, mom dad and I followed a couple hours later. This was "the parents meeting" brunch that Sarah and I had been dreaming of and planning and hoping for since we got together almost 3 years ago. We knew they would all get along, and they had met on Friday night at the show, but still, this was the big day. Sarah's parents had kindly opened up their house to host us, which was wonderful because we had always wanted my folks to get to see where Sarah grew up, meet her cats, and have a nice quiet space where we could talk comfortably.

Brunch was, in a word, euphoric. Divine food, so beautifully presented (I have never had a bad meal at their house!) and so many wonderful flavors. Two kinds of quiche, spinach strawberry salad, fruit salad, lemon ricotta pancakes (delicious!!!), baked honey ham, and pastries from Seven Stars. Then there was apple crisp with ice cream for dessert!! All the while we hung out by the warmth of the wood stove, played with the cats (who were surprisingly not shy for having so many people around), talked, laughed, and talked some more. Sarah's sister Amie was there, everybody got along, my parents loved their house, the cats gave us tons of love, and it was all just perfect.

I'm still working through the leftovers from that meal, and still riding on the high of such a genuinely utopian day. When Sarah had to leave for dance rehearsal back at school we packed up and headed out as well. It was a zen evening, we packed and cleaned and went to bed early since we were getting up at 5 the next morning. Leftovers made a fine send-off breakfast on Monday, and I dropped mom and dad at the train station at 6:00 as planned. With everyone gone and my work schedule back to normal, the PSD (post-show depression) began to emerge that day, but with their company on the day immediately following the shows it was softened.

And, of course, Monday afternoon I had agreed to substitute teach the Age 9-12 Ballet and Modern classes at the studio since Deb takes the week after the show off. The kids were phenomenal, really a great group of focused, fun girls. We played improv games and they came up with some truly incredible shapes, it floored me. I didn't jump around or anything crazy, but stretching with them felt really good on my body after a full day's break.

Now mom and dad are safely back in California, I fly there in 22 days for Christmas (!), and I'm temporarily moved into Sarah's house for Thanksgiving. So excited to be helping cook and hanging out with her family for a few days! I woke up this morning to homemade oatmeal with cranberries and mango ceylon tea.

I have a very good life. :-)

Tech week!

2009-11-17T16:14:36Z

My dance show is this Friday and Saturday! Tonight is the first night of tech. I have so much food, clothing, make-up and sewing stuff packed into my car it looks like I am moving into the theater (which I essentially do each show!).

Mom and dad are coming out to see both shows, we will have four whole days together. :-) Several other East-cost family members, aunts and uncles and cousins, are traveling great distances to see this show. I am so thrilled and honored. :-)

We have rehearsed hard, I have been sewing costumes like a lunatic, but the show feels strong. The residency piece, which I talked about in August, has finally gotten to the point where I feel worthy to be performing it because I feel like I can do it justice. All the trouble spots have melted away such that we can consistently nail them. This dance can be quite unforgiving; the spacing and timing have to be JUST right, and all six of us have to be in perfect tune with each other in order for it to work. The choreographer, Pascal Rioult himself, as well as his wife Janice and Stacy (the dancer who taught it to us) will be there for the Saturday show! I am both scared and excited to meet him and Janice, who were both long-time principal dancers in the Martha Graham company!

We did the whole show for a critic last Saturday, and all the stop-and-go (talking between pieces) allowed our muscles to get cold, which I think is why my lower back has knots and is bothering me again (two other dancers had the same thing that day). I have been stretching and massaging with a tennis ball, and walking around with a heat pack strapped on to relax the muscles. It's getting better already. But this show is very back-intensive, all but one of the pieces requires me to arch a lot, and while that's usually my greatest dancing strength (my ONLY natural skeletal flexibility!) if I crunch it too much it gets VERY unhappy. Taking it easy tonight and hoping it's back to normal by Friday.

The excitement and intensity abounds! :-)

Veterans Day

2009-11-11T14:47:56Z

I would like to take a moment to honor my grandfather Al, my grandpa Preston, DJ and Jason who are currently in the Middle East, and all other veterans and service personnel. I may not agree with the war we are fighting, but I do send my love, support and sincere gratitude to the troops and their families for all that they are doing.

Perhaps one peaceful day we will not be fighting anyone and our military personnel will all get to be home for Thanksgiving.

One year ago today...

2009-11-04T15:14:56Z

One year ago today, we blew up the Death Star and elected President Obama! I still get excited when I hear his name on NPR, and I continue to be proud of the work he is doing for us.

Also one year ago today, the abundant joy was pierced by disbelief and horror as Prop 8 won a resounding victory in my old home state.

That familiar feeling is back, now that Maine voters have decided by a margin of 53-47 that gay people do not deserve the same rights as everyone else. Thus far no state has supported gay marriage by vote, only legislatures and courts have been able to protect the rights of a minority from the ignorance and prejudice of a majority.

What angers me the most is that the Yes On 1 campaign used the same scare tactic (i.e. deceit of voters) that they successfully wielded in California, namely telling people that the law would cause gay marriage to be taught to children in schools. The bill said ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about the schools, curriculum, or bringing such value discussions into the classroom. And as the Bangor article pointed out, if a child's homosexual parents come to a school event the discussion may or may not go on regardless of whether the parents are legally married. This strategy by the opponents to equality shamelessly plays on parents' fears of having their kids come home asking questions the parents don't want to answer. Guess what: kids will ALWAYS ask some questions that make you uncomfortable. Welcome to the world of parenting.

The leader of Stand For Marriage Maine said in his victory speech last night that (loosely quoted) 'this has never been about hating gays, it is about preserving traditional marriage between one man and one woman. The vote tonight shows that marriage matters to people in Maine.' Of course marriage matters, it is a stabilizing factor in society, but that does not mean it has to ONLY happen between heterosexual couples. I have yet to see any real arguments that articulate any true adverse consequences of extending marriage rights to the approximately 10% of the population who are not heterosexual, nor do I understand what straight, narrow-minded people thing they will lose by including homosexuals in the protections of our country's constitution.

If we want to "preserve" marriage, keep it "sacred" as they claim it is, and do what is "in the best interest of the children," then in my humble opinion we should be focusing on abolishing the myriad other things that are ACTUALLY hurting marriage in this country: the divorce rate, increasingly accepted infidelity, abusive relationships, alcoholism and other addictions, the battle between pressures to advance a high-powered career and maintain a romantic partnership, the rampant individualism that has pushed this society over the edge into caring about our own momentary happiness more than honoring a promise we made to another person.

Working toward solutions to all of the above problems is in EVERYONE'S interest, gay or straight or whatever alike. That's something I'd like to think we can all agree on, and can work together to solve.

To quote the Bangor Daily News once again, "It is hard to see how allowing more people to marry will weaken marriage. Instead, it seems the strong desire of gay and lesbian couples to be married, rather than declared domestic partners, shows the value and importance of marriage."

Fantastic article

2009-11-03T20:45:58Z

I just found this editorial about Question 1, the repeal of gay marriages in Maine which is being voted on today. The article was published in the Bangor Daily News in mid-October.

"It is only natural that changing the definition of something as fundamental as marriage makes some uncomfortable. However, marriage has changed over time — interracial marriages were once banned, and men were allowed to have many wives — without harming heterosexual marriages. In a country where the divorce rate is too high and too many children grow up in dysfunctional and abusive families, encouraging more adults to commit to long-term, loving relationships is a positive, not a negative."

Halleluia!

It is one of the most rational, calm, intelligent and straightforward arguments for gay marriage (nationwide!) that I have seen in a long time. It acknowledges and then pokes holes in the claims from the conservatives who cry that legalizing gay marriage will corrupt our children, destroy families and cause lawsuits.

Seeing this made me incredibly happy. I hope the intelligent and aware residents of the Pine Tree State will recognize that a threat to anyone's freedom or rights is a threat to their own, and will vote accordingly.

Questions for Dr. Laura...

2009-10-27T21:26:14Z

The following was sent to me by a friend of my mother's. I love it!!! I think my favorite line is, "Should I smite them?"

On her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter-in-law into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath.Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle- room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan.

James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus Dept. of Curriculum
Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia

Wow long time no update...

2009-10-20T16:53:04Z

YES mother I am finally updating you can stop nagging me on my Facebook wall. :-)

Notable events recently (in reverse chronological order):

Today marks one year that I have been at my new job. It's ironically fitting that yesterday was the starting day for the first new hire since I began working here. She's awesome and talented and I'm glad to have some more estrogen on the team (this makes 3 females out of 15 employees!); not that the gender gap causes any issues, but still, it's nice to have a couple other women around. This new hire is replacing our beloved receptionist of 20+ years who, on the Friday of the long weekend, was the latest victim of the recession in getting laid off. I was out sick on her last day and still haven't had the chance to say goodbye, though I'm going to contact her. It was just sort of shocking that it could all happen so fast, in one 5:07 pm e-mail from the boss. Now that I know some more of the details from my supervisor it's a little better, but still, tough to have lost one of my closer friends in the company. Ah well, life goes on.

Got some more field work last week at the really nasty site (the one that required me to wear a respirator last February) and the work turned out to be much easier than we thought; didn't find any nasty soil in the section where we were digging! Makes the process so much simpler. :-)

Sunday we got a nor'easter, which included a fair amount of snow. Yes, that's right, SNOW, in October. There was also a good dose of "wintry mix", which I still am befuddled by (frozen and liquid water falling at the same time?! Physics, what!?!!) and the snow did not stick on the roads, but it did begin to make a white layer on grassy areas that were cold enough to not melt it. Was interesting, for sure. :-)

Thankfully the day before, Saturday, was mercifully free of falling water (in any form) and even brought some patches of blue sky, enough to draw a great crowd for Downcity Fusion Fest, my dance company's fall fundraiser. It was an Oktoberfest kind of thing, so we had beer tastings, food, bands, crafts for kids, ALL of which was donated by various entities because Katie, our grant writer/development director/former dancer/goddess was able to charm everyone she knows into giving something to the event. She did an amazing job, all the dancers helped, we even did an improvised dance performance to one of the bands (on gravel, in the cold, not warmed up... whatever!). Got lots of people who had heard about it in the paper and hadn't known much about us before. I worked the pumpkin painting table so I saw lots of kids doing incredible artwork, and got to informally survey their parents about how they had heard of us. A fun day overall, a bit brisk, but awesome turnout for what they had originally said would be a rainy awful day. And the MAYOR of Providence showed up!! That was pretty awesome. :-)

There are pictures on the Fusionworks Facebook page:

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/album.php?aid=129079&id=39908500939

Earlier that day I fenced in the Brown Alumni fencing meet vs: the undergrads (held every parents' weekend), which was the first time I'd touched a blade in two years. Saw lots of beloved friends, didn't know a single one of the undergrads but they were cool anyway, lost both my bouts BUT I managed a perfect flesche against the tall kid, and I got the point! So that felt good, especially after Ruth spent my entire senior year trying to get me to flesche... even when you lose the bout, landing a well-planned touch like that is as good as winning. :-)

My dance show is a month from today, my parents will be here (YAY!) in a month minus one day, and there shall be much visiting afoot while they are here. :-) Life is good!

Birthday!

2009-09-30T21:28:59Z

As of last Sunday I am 26 years old, which now doesn't seem quite so old as it did when I was anticipating the birthday a few weeks ago. Last year was a milestone birthday - I could supervise an unlicensed driver, rent a car at the lower rate, and generally be moved into the next higher age bracket in statistical questions (most things group ages 18-24 together so I was finally out of the "college-age" clump!). This year, as it approached and I thought about it, the number 26 just seemed to be inching closer to 30.

Not that I have a complex about getting older or a list of goals to do by age 30 that I haven't met, nor have I bought into any of society & the media's garble about 30 being some cutoff age after which life and youth are essentially over. It's just... something that felt very far away in college, and now it clearly is growing closer at an accelerated rate. I realized at 15 that times goes faster as you get older. It hasn't stopped yet. Eeeeeek!

My 26th birthday celebration was spread over several days, including getting sung to by the dancers on Saturday and the church bell choir on Sunday, homemade cookies and a cake, several excellent lunches/dinners out with loved ones, cards from many dear friends and relatives, several wonderful gifties in the mail from Auntie Erin, continued enjoyment of the fantastic MacBook Pro that mom and dad got me earlier this month (eeeeee!), and a brand new 12-volt DeWalt cordless drill which (unlike my current 9.6 Ryobi with the worthless battery) will NOT die after 12 hours of charging and 15 seconds of working!!!! I got a full set of drill bits and screw-gun fittings with it too. Happy happy Shauna!

I talked to mom and dad that day, of course, which was wonderful. Got calls from several good friends, a hilarious drunken voicemail from my sister at 6 am eastern time (3 am pacific!), numerous Facebook wall posts and messages, and hugs from the people I happened to get to see during the weekend. Felt very loved (still do). Life is good. :-)

RIP Mary Travers

2009-09-21T15:58:43Z

The news last week that Mary Travers (of Peter, Paul and Mary) had passed away saddened me more than I expected. I feel badly that I didn't even realize she was sick. I heard about it when my clock radio started up at the usual time that morning, playing the local "80s, 90s and now" station which has a cute morning show of amusing but usually relevant banter. I usually leave the radio playing while I get ready for work, and shortly after it clicked on the news update said that Mary had died the previous night.

They played a great recording of Leaving On a Jet Plane as a tribute to her, which impressed me because this station doesn't normally delve into folk music. But then after the song finished, of course, they went back to their usual fare, talking about Jay Leno and winning tickets to his show, and I found myself feeling slightly angry that they could just move on after the news that we had lost such a beloved and far-reaching artistic and political icon.

But I knew NPR would provide a more worthy acknowledgment, and they did not disappoint me. They broadcast a lovely, 6-minute story about her life and work, both with PP&M and through her human rights activism. The story talked about how the group (brand new at the time) sang at the Vietnam War protest in DC, and included several song clips that brought back many memories of my childhood. Later that day I found Mary's website, which had a wonderful tribute to her life and a thank-you to her many fans, as well as statements by Peter and Paul about how they would miss her and how much she meant to them. The PP&M Facebook page filled up with wonderful notes from fans, recalling concerts and personal memories or just thanking Mary for her many years of faithful work and artistry and expressing condolences to the family. Even with all of this, though, I spent much of the day feeling undertones of sadness.

I remember mom recording a PP&M concert on the VCR at our old house when I was very young, I must have watched it dozens of times. I used to dance to their records in the living room, with mom reminding me not to jump too much because I would skip the record player. Their Christmas/Channukah album, A Holiday Celebration, is MY FAVORITE holiday album of all time and it always starts off my Christmas playlist when the season comes. The deep tones and rich, passionate color of Mary's voice will always stick with me.

She said something in an interview that was played as part of the NPR story, something that I find is still very relevant. She said, "we learned that it takes more than one generation to bring about change. But I think we've made good progress." How true that is, and how hopeful it makes me in the era of a new, young, optimistic and courageous president in a country where so much is in chaos, and yet so much is just on the cusp (I think) of being solved.

So rest in peace, dear Mary, and thank you for a lifetime of music, activism, and outspoken honesty for the good of all. We shall carry on where you left off.

Thought process...

2009-09-14T13:41:39Z

I've had a fascination recently with thought process and decision-making, both examining how I do it in my own life and how others around me seem to do it. I've had a few opportunities in the last month, when presented with a perplexing situation (mostly though group e-mail), to think about my response and in most cases bounce some ideas off a friend before writing out something that acknowledges the many sides of the issue but presents my take on the situation. In some cases I have had to content myself with only the agreement of my peers even when the situation did not change, while in other cases the situation has resolved itself into what I hoped for on its own. I have understood that simply speaking my mind will not always guarantee that my voice will be heard or make a difference. But in all cases I was proud of how I gathered my thoughts and presented them respectfully.

I've always enjoyed reading advice columns, Dear Abby and Ann Landers when they were still publishing, currently Ask Amy and Tell Me About It (Carolyn Hax). I find that I often read the columnist's response more than once, following the logic of which issues they raise and how they weight the priorities in the dilemma presented by the letter-writer. Most of the time my own initial reaction to the original letter includes some of the columnist's thoughts, but certainly not all, and it's interesting to see what else they come up with and consider in giving a response. This is not to say that these two women know everything or always give the "right" answer, but in general their advice seems to be sound and comes from a good, balanced perspective.

I have been fortunate to have kind people in my life who have given me gentle but honest feedback about my manner and decision-making, both in instantaneous social situations as well as larger issues that require (and allow) time and pondering. I've always been hard-pressed to admit that my demeanor and social intelligence/awareness are any different because I was homeschooled, and in some sense I think much of it simply stems from my innate personality and hard-wired tendencies. But until my first day of sociology class freshman year at Brown, when my professor described the universal human trait of constantly asking oneself how one's behaviors come across, such self-monitoring had never really occurred to me. And it was eye-opening to see every head in that lecture hall nodding with the professor, as if to say "yep, I do that," with little me on my island of oblivious mixed blessing: not caring what other people think or letting it negatively affect me, but also not really knowing how my behaviors might be hurting me without my knowledge.

I credit many of my siblings in Alpha Delta Phi for patiently giving me some feedback but not wanting to "change" me, just helping me be a little more aware of differences in my interactions and how to help them work for me. I learned a HUGE amount during my years at college, and although I certainly didn't suddenly become obsessed with other people's opinions of me, I did grow more aware of how I came across in conversations or groups and how that could be lightly edited to work in my best interest.

There seems to be a balance that we all struggle to find, between sticking to our own intuitive sense of what is right or best in a situation and incorporating what other people think or feel about the same situation. People who have absolutely no concern for information from outside themselves and think only internally, or ignore new evidence to the contrary of their conclusion, can be characterized as ignorant or stupidly stubborn or just plain awkward. On the flip side, those who ask other people's opinions and advice about EVERYTHING and can't seem to make a decision or hold a viewpoint on their own can be considered wishy-washy, shallow or spineless. I think different scenarios call for varying degrees of these two extremes, and the trick is to find which one is right each time. There is something to be said for considering the commonly-held opinions of a group and acting accordingly, but then there are times that one really must stand alone and hold strong to a belief that is deep and precious, even when it's an uphill battle.

I think in recent years I've begun to swing a little farther to the asking-opinions side of things, at least for big decisions or issues, because I've realized that I don't always trust my visceral response to be appropriate (and I don't want to go crashing through my life like a bull in a china shop). In spending so much time recently pondering the process of decision-making itself, I've been trying to strengthen my own spine and not feel the need to check in with people quite so frequently. Sometimes all I need is one person's reassurance that I'm not crazy, other times I don't care what anyone thinks. The struggle continues. But I feel that the more information I gather about how other people have made decisions, and the more of my own opinions I form about these choices, the more experience I will have to draw on in making my own judgments as times goes on.

Sometimes it is really fascinating to be a human being!

Weddings and births...

2009-09-08T17:25:40Z

A little while ago I decided to write up a list of all the weddings I have attended in my life, and then got onto listing all the weddings I have heard about or seen pictures from (mostly through Facebook) within my circle of friends. This led into counting up the babies that have resulted from those marriages, and the current engagements I know about (I keep finding out about more!!!).

I have been to 20 weddings in my life (that I can recall), 12 of them in the last 5 years. I was a bridesmaid in 5 of them.

Here's the kicker... in addition to those attended, I have heard about 58 weddings in the last 5 years!!!!!! Two of them were same-sex marriages, which makes me super-happy. :-) Plus I know of 13 current engagements (really, I think everybody got the Obama-hopey disease and started doing happy things this year because we knew life would get better!!!!).

Out of the weddings I have attended or heard about in the last 5 years, there have been 25 babies born and there are 5 babies-in-progress at the moment. :-) There are 7 more little munchkins who have been born (or adopted!) into families I know (married more than 5 years ago), and five of them were born/adopted THIS YEAR!

I'm not sure why I wanted to write down all of these numbers, but there is an incredible joy that comes over me every time I think of it. There is so much happiness just within my own circle of people, so many new unions and births and life changes.

I love having so many reasons to celebrate!!

Survived!

2009-09-01T16:28:56Z

I survived the residency, and we finished the piece, and even got it to where it feels almost comfortable. There are no longer any "panic moments" when we can't remember what's next, and we're remembering the notes we got earlier in the week.

My feet survived, thanks to waterproof tape and Band-Aids the size of index cards. Spent a restful day on Sunday, which felt very very good.

Tonight we have OFF from rehearsal (thank heavens) and then Thursday we go back to review Wien and start another piece, weekend is off for the holiday, and then the insanity begins in full swing on the 8th and won't stop until June...

In good news, we got a paid "tour" (3 shows, for schools) in Maine! The kicker - it's January 7 and 8.... dead of winter, way up north.... oh wow. Bonding experience anyone?! Yay for all-wheel-drive....

I am back to work and regular life, and amazed that it is already September. Lord where does the time go?! :-)

Residency in progress

2009-08-25T17:50:55Z

My dance company is doing a residency with the Pascal Rioult Dance Theater, an incredible modern company in New York. One of Rioult's dancers, Stacey, is here for a week teaching us this crazy intense piece called "Wien" (Vienna) about people fighting to survive amid oppression and unrest in the years between the two world wars. There is a video here of his company doing the piece, I am learning the part of the man in the white tank top.

It's day 4 of 8 days of long hard rehearsals, but it's stretching and challenging us in good ways (even though we're all sore and bloody exhausted!). It's been interesting to set this piece on six women when it was originally 3 men and 3 women. We haven't had to change many of the lifts, though. Thankfully I am usually partnered with Mallory who is small but strong and holds her own weight. It's a majorly team-building dance, almost everything is done as a tight clump so we have to move together and be very aware of each other to make it work.

Stacey is really nice, very positive and encouraging, even as she works us super hard and moves fast so we get through all the choreography. And it's funny how many parallels there are between our company and Rioult - small, relatively new, devoted fan base, and a couple dancers who have been there 9 or 10 years but the rest are newer, so their turnover is about like ours. Of course, there are some major differences - they're in NY, they've got huge venues booking them and European tours, big corporate sponsors, full-time rehearsal schedules, a staff of 7 admin and design people, and health insurance (!) for their dancers. Damn! We've all taken opportunities to ask Stacey about how they work, their fundraising and networking tricks, how they run rehearsals, etc. I've almost learned more from that than from learning the dance!!

I'm battling blisters and skinned toes, sore joints from standing for hours on end, and the usual complications from my period (seriously, mother nature? THIS week?!!) but trying to fight through in spite of it all. Ibuprofin and water are my friends, as are the pre-made lunches and dinners I prepared last week. Thank heavens Deb has put on the AC in the studio - it has been over 95 and humid as hell every single day this week.

Everyone at work has been cool, my bosses aren't sending me out in the field this week (which is good, because my arms and shoulders were so sore this morning I could barely lift my cereal bowl!). And at least I'll have Saturday afternoon and Sunday to recover...

Tracy Chapman!!

2009-08-03T19:53:16Z

Sarah and I went to see Tracy Chapman on Saturday night at the Calvin in Northampton, MA. Oh WOW what a concert!!! Our seats were about halfway back but the theater is great and you can see well from anywhere. And with such a liberal crowd full of Birkenstocks and tie-dye it was great to feel the energy (this concert was partially to console us for missing Falcon Ridge this year).

The opening singer was an amazing unknown named Gaby Moreno, see her website here (she's got more info on her MySpace page). She just walked up to the mic with a guitar and started singing, and the whole audience collectively stopped and said "whoa, what a voice!" She opened with her most powerful song, which soared in her pure, clear voice and strong self-accompaniment. She had a little of everything - some blues, some folk-rock, two songs in Spanish as a nod to her native Guatemala. It was incredible, so much so that I risked missing the beginning of Tracy's set to run across the street to the ATM and then dash up to the theater's mezzanine to buy her CD. She was there autographing albums, so I had her sign mine, and while she did I told her she's got wonderful variety and I hope the music industry never tries to make her brand herself, to which she and the other fans around her laughed. It was nice, she's very down-to-earth!

There was a good 45-minute gap between Gaby's opening and Tracy's set, so I didn't need to worry about missing anything. But boy was it worth the wait!!! She started with a great new song called "Sing Halleluia" that was a joyeous and ethereal nod to Nana, for me. There was one song in which she appeared to be playing a two-ended, sideways drum that was lying under the stool she sat on, because she had to bend over to play it and the mic was tipped down to catch her voice. That was a really powerful new song, I don't remember the title but it's on her most recent album (Our Bright Future) which I just bought on Amazon. :-) She sang the old favorites - The Promise, Baby Can I Hold You, Fast Car, Talkin' Bout A Revolution and, of course, Gimme One Reason. We all sang along on the latter, and then after she finished and we cheered the drums started up again and she did a sort of remix version of the last two verses which was very very cool. That was her closing song, and after she left the stage we stood and cheered and clapped and chanted "Tracy Tracy" for what seemed like five full minutes before she came back out and did TWO encore songs, including Stand Up For Your Rights. AWESOME.

The best moment of the night went something like this (she really knew her crowd!):

Tracy: "This next song is a new song..."

Audience: (loud cheers)

Tracy: "...it's about religion..."

Audience: (subdued cheers)

Tracy: "...about how sometimes we need to be saved, and sometimes we just need to be saved from the people who think it's their job to save us."

Audience: (EXPLOSIVE CHEERS!!)

There were these cool light bulbs that hung at varying lengths over the stage against a short white scrim (which hung in the upper half of the stage). The lighting scheme had a spotlight (that looked like a sun) which started on the left side of the scrim during the first song, then rose through the middle and eventually "set" on the right side as she finished the last song. Very very cool, I'd never seen anything like it. Complimentary but not distracting.

Distracting would be the drunk woman sitting behind us who kept making comments loudly during the quiet, pensive songs (grrr!) and whooping and cheering at very awkward times during the show (not at the ends of songs, like everyone else respectfully did!). But I think my memory of the concert will be much more tied to Tracy's performance than this woman's gravelly voice trying to sing along with Tracy....

All in all it was a fabulous time. Tracy sang the songs perfectly in my opinion, just similar enough to the album versions that you would whisper along with her, but with some great little twists and changes that made it worth seeing live to hear the new interpretations of the songs. Happy!!!

Nana's service

2009-07-30T20:05:04Z

Back from California after a wonderful but short trip home for Nana's memorial service. I was blown away by how many people came!! I got to hug more people than I can even count, SO many dear friends and family who I haven't seen in years. It was wonderful, made me so pleased to see how loved Nana was. I knew she had affected many people's lives over the years, but to see the crowds in the flesh was just amazing.

I read my tribute during the service, and it felt so natural, just like talking to a friend and sharing stories. I'm glad I had done lay reading in church from that pulpit many times, it felt familiar and comfortable. I did start to break toward the end of the last paragraph, when I actually acknowledge that she's gone, but it was okay; nobody expected me to keep it together, and the important thing was for the feeling to come through. It did. I saw many wet eyes when I sat back down, and half the choir later came up to me and said they couldn't sing the first verse of their song which immediately followed my reading. Guess that means I did my job right! :-)

Got lots of puppy love from the boys, which was great. Mom and I went through the photo albums, pulled out and scanned lots of favorite childhood photos so I'll have a digital record. Such fun to re-live old memories, and we found some wonderful photographs of Nana holding me and playing with me as a kid!

Immigration

2009-07-16T13:48:30Z

NPR was talking about immigration again today, it has come up several times recently which has made me acutely aware of how visceral a response I have to this topic. It is such a passionate issue for me that I have found I usually cannot even engage in debate about it because I have such an emotional reaction, and to my dismay I often find that I cannot conjure a logical explanation or argument for my positions. Yet I hold them as strongly as anything else I believe. I don't even know how I would/will react to whatever comments I get on this post.

I also do not expect anybody to read this all the way through -- it's more for my own benefit so I can get this off my chest (and my mind) and get on with my day.

If you do dare to read on... forgive me in advance for this rant, it's something that's been simmering for months, even years since the previous president stirred up such a frenzy about it before the mid-term elections in 2006.

First off, I absolutely hate the word "alien" and I literally feel ill when I hear people use it to describe immigrants who come to this country outside of the prescribed legal process. They are PEOPLE, most of them with no intent other than to be able to feed their children each day and live in a safe place where there is clean water and relative peace on the streets. We cannot control where we are born. We cannot control the financial status of our parents or the political environment of our birth country or town. Until a certain age we are beholden to the circumstances into which we were thrown, and I am disgusted by the people who seem to think that "anyone" can and should follow the legal process for immigrating to this country. What if you have no permanent residence where documents can be mailed (or a reliable postal system, for that matter)? What if you have no phone with which to call agencies and request information, and no money for a pay phone if they even exist within walking distance? What if (gasp) you have no computer or internet access from which to research how all the white-collar bigots in your target country think you "should" be seeking to patiently wait in line to make your life better while your children quietly starve in the back room?

I can't believe how often people around here (i.e. New England) casually blame California's current budget crisis on immigrants. Granted, that criticism is coming from within CA right now too (I guess we all need a scapegoat when we get an IOU instead of a paycheck). But people here throw that perception around without any insider experience, and as a born and bred CA native it drives me crazy. These know nothing of the cultural enrichment I felt so lucky to have growing up - the cities with names that began with San or Santa, the fantastic authentic Mexican restaurants owned by actual people and not corporations (I have found ONE such place in New England thus far), the myriad other restaurants and craft shops and fairs and languages and eye-opening conversations and colors different from my own that painted my world growing up. I never appreciated those things enough until I moved here and found a very different world. I love living here too, for various reasons. But... without the knowledge of all the GOOD that is created in a place enriched by the presence of non-natives, hereditary New Englanders who claim to know what's wrong with California from their neatly-brushed high horses make me want to throw things.

I hear people claim that undocumented immigrants are criminals, who knowingly and willingly break the law to come here, stealing our health care and schools and filling up our spaces and taking jobs from "hardworking Americans". I return to my previous mention of circumstances beyond control that prevent the access to "legal" process. If was desperate, living in a war-torn nation of unabated poverty and my children were starving or being tempted into terrible endeavors and I knew they would not make it to adulthood if we stayed, I'll be damned if I wouldn't pack up and run to the nearest border. If I had exhausted all options and still had no means to find out how to "legally" immigrate to the US I would go anyway and work out the paperwork later. My children would live to see another day, and I would take any job at all to feed them and give them shelter.

I don't buy for a second the argument that immigrants are taking jobs Americans want. In some cases yes, it probably happens, but I haven't seen masses of young white kids lining up to vacuum hotel rooms or clean houses or pick farm crops in the hot sun. Our system seems to truly depend on those people doing those things. Instead of defending those jobs and fighting to keep them open for "native" kids, I flip the other way and want to protect the immigrants who DO those nasty jobs and put up with conditions and wages that would curl my hair, but who do so because they must work or starve. That's another thing New Englanders don't understand from not growing up in California: just how dependent the agriculture economy (7th largest in the WORLD by itself) is on the availability of migrant workers in the numbers necessary to bring in a season of harvest. I look back on Ceasar Chavez' lifetime of work and just wonder what he's thinking, looking down upon all of this. There is such a difficult balance to keep between the immigrant workers not being exploited, the need for farmers to simply have enough hands to gently pick and pack the crops (machines still cannot pick wine grapes without bruising them and causing bacterial problems), and the cost limitations that keep farmers from being able to pay what "native" workers would demand for such back-breaking work.

Do these white-collar New Englanders even remember, or know, or care, about the acres of fruit and crops that rotted unpicked on the vines when the government decided to crack down on "illegal immigrants" and farmers who were afraid of repercussions couldn't find anywhere near enough "legal" workers to get the job done? I refer to the situation described in this SF Chronicle article, among many others. One of the farmers interviewed said that with the crackdown and the drop in availability of migrant workers (for fear of deportation), he was only able to harvest 30% of his lettuce crop. That means almost THREE QUARTERS of his income (and his contribution to the economy) was lost because some high and mighty politicians 3,000 miles away wanted to look "tough" on immigration to get re-elected in November. Do we want job creation? Do we want economic stimulus through the state's strongest producer, namely agriculture? Do we want the rich and fertile fields of the Central Valley to live up to their potential and feed the waiting mouths of her citizens? From the policies, it's hard to tell.

I will come right out and say I don't even know how the process for citizenship works in this country. I wouldn't even know where to start. I suppose I could go to some government websites and do some research, but if I were in desperate need to immigrate I wouldn't have a computer or internet access. I could call up an agency and get some information, perhaps, but that requires a phone and a phone book (or some equivalent of 411). I am a scholar, a college graduate, an independent adult, and I am the first to advocate for doing the research yourself, getting the information, not expecting anything to be handed to you. But when there is NO WAY to do so, and your life and survival is at stake, you do whatever is necessary. I could never fault anyone for doing what is necessary to save their children's lives (or even just their own). I had half a mind this morning to TRY getting into the system, to pretend I needed to become a citizen and had limited resources. Where would I start? What would I do? Who would I talk to? How long would it take, how much paperwork, how many months of awaiting processing? I really do want to learn how this works. And I have the distinct advantage of being a native English speaker!!

That's another thing. English is an impossible language. Even those of us who were raised with it occasionally struggle with synonyms and syntax. I have never ceased to be amazed at how all of our 13 exchange students managed to grasp this crazy tongue (several of them had mastered it before even getting here!). I'm so torn in the debate about whether immigrants should have to learn English before they get here. On the one hand, I do believe that if you are going to live in a new country you should make an effort, and try to fit yourself into its established communication base. But speak whatever you want at home, and enjoy the little cultural centers that resemble your home country and exhibit several streets with signs in your native tongue. Celebrate that origin, and also embrace the new place you call home. What angers me in that debate is the people who balk at having ATMs and automated phone systems ask at the start whether you want English or Spanish. And how many of them went beyond their three lousy years of high school French before traveling to Paris? How many of them expect to be spoken to in English by hotel clerks or to find signs in their own language at the train stations and airports? We can't pretend that we are not a multi-cultural nation, and we cannot pretend that deciding only English shall be spoken here will "make" people learn the language any faster. Should they be actively trying to learn it once they move here? Yes, I think so. Should we do nothing to ease the transition and help them along with the occasional sign or service in Spanish? No, I think not.

And this whole idea of defining what is "American" as being white, English-speaking and such is so backwards too. This country as it is now, if you may recall, was founded and built and inhabited by immigrants. We all came off a boat at some point. Unless you are 100% Native American living and intermarrying only within your reservation, your great-great-great-something (or parent, or YOU) stepped off a boat or plane or border fence onto this soil with the hope of making a better life. I do not believe it is a crime to want a better life. Should the country try to keep a handle on how many people come in so that we can allocate resources appropriately? Yes. But should we ostracize and criminalize and scapegoat the people who come here out of necessity and call them "aliens"? Absolutely not. We should help them. A nation shall be judged by how it treats its poorest people.

I'm not sure where my bleeding-heart inclusionist view of immigration comes from. Maybe it's because of all the mission trips I've done, especially the one to Nogales, Mexico, where I saw just how these people have to live. Maybe it comes from knowing people who were not born here, being taught Spanish by a Mexican woman and growing up around mixed cultures and feeling enriched by my familiarity with them. Maybe it's my stupidly idealist view that every human being born onto this planet has a right to a happy and sustainable life with clean water and enough food and some security in the peace of their days. I can't make other countries settle down and be functioning places to live with all the necessary resources. But I can work within my own country of birth to welcome those who wish to call it home too, and to help ease them into living here and maybe, just maybe, live up to the ideals in our own constitution about the pursuit of happiness and equal protection.

Weekends and summer...

2009-06-24T21:55:15Z

Got my tickets to come home for almost a week around Nana's service. And I'm very grateful to Barbara for the donation of her United miles, and for the fact that it's far enough in the future that we could plan and make arrangements in a non-frantic manner! Always good.

The one day in the past TEN that it has not been raining here was last Wednesday, and I was lucky enough to spend it outside on a field project, drilling through granite and enjoying the sunshine and breeze down near the water. My coworkers were jealous, especially since the electrical system in the building has been overloaded so we can't turn on the AC at all on the third floor. My office has no windows. It has been.... beastly at times. Yay for Charlie's electric fan!

T minus 15 hours until we leave for the bell conference!!! Sooooo excited! I've been looking forward to this since the one at URI two years ago, when Lorrie Ed and I played the crazy Mozart trio. We're not doing anything for the mini-concerts this year, but I'm still really fired up for the workshops I got (including bell trees and a special track about musicality with the funny woman whose workshop I loved last time!). And this year one of the massed pieces (that everybody plays, not just our level) is a song called On This Day Earth Shall Ring. Lorrie and I found it at a ring-through a few years ago, and we were so blown away we had to get it. The bass part has these great mallet rhythms and the piece builds to this grand, majestic sounds that seems to fill every space it can find with joy and emotion. We played it two years ago at Christmas and it was wonderful; I cannot WAIT to hear it resounding from the walls with 800 ringers!!

At peace

2009-06-12T19:23:20Z

Nana is at peace, as of Tuesday afternoon. My aunt was holding her hand when she gently breathed her last and floated away.

Everyone has been amazing and loving and wonderful, giving hugs and taking care of me. Thank you all so much.

I'm going to read my tribute at her memorial service. I had that in the back of my mind when I wrote it, so I'm really glad I get to do this.

Pictures take on a new value when you've just lost someone. So does feeling a presence that you cannot prove but are rock-solid certain of. :-)

My Nana

2009-06-08T15:10:26Z

Facebook and Livejournal have allowed for some updates from mom, though she's mostly been working through e-mails. Nana is to the point where they are doing hospice care and helping her make her wishes known for the preparations. They got her off the ventilator so she could speak softly, which is good, and morphine drip is keeping her comfortable.

I am told she is calm, seems at peace and ready to pass into the next world. She is being cared for by some great doctors and staff, as well as my super-nurse-mommy, my aunt Margie and my sister, who is being completely amazing in supporting mom and giving me text updates as the situation progresses (thank you Posie!!! I'm so glad you can be there since I cannot).

Today I took a picture of myself holding a sign that says "I LOVE YOU NANA" and e-mailed it to mom so she could print it for Nana to have something from me there. It seemed a better idea than writing some long letter she would have to struggle to read. Besides, pretty much all of what I wanted to say to her was expressed in the tribute I wrote for her 90th birthday in April(included below the cut). My company has been wonderfully flexible about taking some leave to come to her memorial service, and several airlines offer bereavement fares within the US, which is nice.

This past week I have been pondering the scripture reading at church last Sunday, from Thessalonians: "Rejoice always, pray constantly, give thanks." Rejoicing that Nana has had such a good long life and has touched so many lives. Praying constantly for her comfort, the doctors' wisdom and my family's strength. Giving thanks that she lived at home, on her own, to the very end and never had to move to assisted living (against her wishes!). Giving thanks that she does not have some slow, degenerative disease that would trap her in a lifeless body or steal away her mental capacities. Giving thanks that she has some time, albeit short, to see loved ones and say goodbye. Giving thanks that we had the chance, not long ago, to pay tribute to her life at her 90th birthday and that so many dear friends were able to make it from far and near. Giving thanks that I was able to see her, in the hospital the day of Rosie's graduation and then the day after she came home when we got sushi and had lunch at her apartment. Giving thanks that she can (and hopefully will) pass into the next life peacefully and with minimal pain.

Here is the tribute I wrote for her birthday:

My Nana
by Shauna Edson
Written for Nana’s 90th birthday celebration, April 2009

When I tell people about my Nana, I say that she went to college at 16 at a time when many women didn’t go to college. I tell them she’s a genius and has never stopped learning new things. I can never remember a time when she wasn’t reading something every day, be it a book or newspaper or a research journal. She loved her McNeil/Lehrer NewsHour and is still an avid NPR listener, always keeping up with what’s going on in the world.

She has taught me that we all have a duty to know what’s going on and be active participants in our world and country. The League of Women Voters has always been a core passion of hers, and she got me excited about it long before I was old enough to vote myself. I’ll never forget the note in my eighteenth birthday card, in that familiar but barely legible script: “Happy Birthday. Have you registered to vote yet?” And on my actual birthday, that’s exactly what I did. Nana’s white Saturn had a bumper sticker that read, “Democracy is not a spectator sport!” and I have always believed that wholeheartedly.

When I tell people about my Nana, I say that most grandmothers show their love with warm foods and handmade afghans; mine loved me with newspaper clippings. If I ever mentioned even the slightest interest in something, whether it was a person or a sewing technique or space exploration, the next week Nana would show up at the house with newspaper clippings, magazine articles, even books about the topic. Now that technology has advanced, I occasionally get e-mails with websites about interesting things. But the passing on of wonder and curiosity hasn’t faded one bit.

That is not to say that my Nana isn’t an amazing cook, or that she didn’t knit me warm fuzzy things! I still remember the brown cabled sweater she made for me when I was obsessed with UPS trucks and brown was my favorite color. I remember the green skirt, vest and purse she knitted me with the big ladybug on the front, a pattern we chose together out of a catalog. I even remember when she sat me down and tried to teach ME how to knit; after two hours my needles looked like three red cotton spider webs tied in a knot. She was an excellent teacher, I think my brain is just better suited to crocheting. But she always nurtured my creative side, and I credit some of my crafts hobbies to all those hours of watching her do needlepoint or knitting at her house.

I got to spend some time at Nana’s house each time my sister went in for a surgery and my parents stayed with her. I still do not understand the desire to wake up at 6 in the morning – crazy people! But when I rolled out of bed at what was probably lunch time for Nana, there would be pancakes on the griddle and the warm smell of her famous brown sugar syrup wafting to my room from the kitchen. If I got up early enough, I’d get to accompany Nana to her exercise class with all the other fun and lively ladies. We would do eight rounds of folds and sing a song each time to count off 32 repetitions, since it’s much more fun than just counting numbers. In the car running errands we would always listen to 102.1, the classical music station, and we would play “guess the composer” with whatever symphony or concerto was streaming through the speakers.

When I tell people about my Nana, there are so many memories at her house to recount. Thanksgivings with a huge turkey piled into her big oven and my dad carving it up with the funny-sounding electric knife. Christmases where we all pulled presents out of the stockings Nana knitted for us; I still don’t know anybody else with a hand-knitted Christmas stocking! Standing up against the doorjamb of Nana’s sewing closet, where the heights of all the cousins were marked on the wood; our growth over the years recorded in little ball-point etchings. Going out to her backyard with my sister and cousins to play in the playhouse or pick apples, which were always tiny and slightly sour but we ate them anyway. Gathering almonds from the tree in the front yard and having Nana show me how to blanch them in boiling water.

I will never forget how Nana was the first one over to our house after the Loma Prieta earthquake in 1989. Mom was mopping up the spilled fish tank water, dad was checking the rest of the house, my sister and I were huddled in the doorway where mom had told us to stay in case there were big aftershocks. Nana came in the door about five minutes after the quake and asked if everyone was alright. We said yes, a little shaken but otherwise fine. Nana said, “then let’s have a thanksgiving celebration” and she took all of our hands in a circle and prayed a grateful prayer that everyone was safe, our home was alright, the broken things could be replaced but the truly valuable pieces of our lives were all intact.

My Nana is a whole lot of life, and she has shown me so much to admire and be proud of. I have never ceased to be impressed by her courage and strength, for all she has lived through and moved beyond. I tell people about her energy and conviction, her drive to keep learning, and how I want to be like that when I am her age. I tell them about how I always stand with her to sing the Halleluiah Chorus at Christmas and how she pulls me in close when I step up next to her in the choir loft. I say she’s a self-proclaimed “nut nut” with charmingly illegible handwriting and wonderfully warm hugs. I say that I hope her kind of longevity runs in the family; I’ve been saying that for years, and here we are, celebrating her 90th birthday! I wish I could be there in person, but for now this will have to do. Happy glorious birthday Nana, you are an amazing woman and I’m proud to be your granddaughter. I love you!

Babies!

2009-06-01T14:57:04Z

I got to babysit for little Piper on Thursday night while Beth was at a wedding rehearsal. She is absolutely precious and beautiful, very mellow and easygoing. She only cries lightly when hungry and calms down immediately when fed. She smiles and giggles in her sleep. She slept for a good hour while I was there, which gave me time to throw the tennis ball outside for the dogs and give them some well-deserved patting. They were very very happy about the sudden influx of undivided attention! They are so sweet with the baby, they want to sniff and lick her but Beth has trained them not to so instead they sit guard under her swing and watch patiently over her. They seem pleasantly resigned to the fact that the baby needs a lot of Beth's attention, but are still as loving and dear as ever when they do get some kisses.

And Beth is absolutely glowing. She's figured out what of her abundant baby gear is most useful and has it all set up in a way that works easily for her. She reads Piper so well and has settled right into being a mommy. It's so beautiful to see after all she went through to have this baby! I took the first good portrait of her holding Piper and they make a stunning pair. It's marvelous!

Yay! :-)

2009-05-26T14:08:57Z

California was fantastic, Rosie's graduation was lovely and the party was fun.

Nana is home, alert, and getting better. Got to hug her many times during my visit.

Flying JetBlue out of Boston and taking the commuter rail to/from the airport on this end was remarkably smooth and easy - JetBlue gets major awesome points for punctuality, organization, and the personal TV screens at each seat which includes a LiveMap channel. This channel shows a GPS plane on a map of the US and lets you track your progress through the flight, with updates on your altitude and speed every 30 seconds. For nerds like me, thoroughly awesome. :-) Also meant I could say that on the red-eye I just took last night/this morning I slept from Nevada to Nebraska, Nebraska to Michigan, and Michigan to New York. Not bad for a plane!

So proud of Rosie, so glad to have been there, so happy and relieved that Nana is recovering and strong and more lively than I have seen her recently. Bless Linda for coming and staying with her and being able to magically make caring for her not seem like anything more than just hanging out at Nana's place. She's so great like that. :-)

Now, on approximately 4 hours of sleep/rest/snoozing, I am going to work an 8-hour day and then go to dance. And then go home and go to bed...

California and Nana

2009-05-20T18:08:32Z

A couple weeks ago we celebrated my Nana's 90th birthday. I was unable to make it to the party (being in Rhode Island) but I wrote a tribute to her that was read during the festivities. All her closest friends and family were there, and her friend Linda made a remarkable powerpoint of photos from throughout Nana's life. She sent me that powerpoint, and it was amazing to flip through it, seeing my Nana as a young girl, a new wife, the grandfather I never met, my own mother and aunt as babies... even the baby pictures of Nana had me convinced I was really looking at my mother or aunt, their faces look so similar! I'd seen many of the childhood pictures of my mom before, but still, it was an eerily wonderful experience to watch it all tick by chronologically with funny captions and context.

I write this because Nana is now in the ICU, mom just called to tell me, with blood clots and an infection. She's on medication and they're evaluating her condition. I'm sure my nurse-mommy will be keeping on the doctors and will keep us all posted on Nana's status.

Ever since Preston died in 2006 Nana has slowed down. We have all seen it. She's not depressed per se, though I don't see her enough to really know that, but she seems to have less energy for life, and her body has become much more frail fairly quickly. Up until his passing she had been pretty spry and spritely, even for 87. I can understand that loss of energy - outliving three men you loved would be an awful lot to handle, especially since Preston's leukemia took him so fast there was barely any time to process it all. She has never said anything, nor have I asked her, but since he died I have gotten the feeling that she's pretty much done; that if something came along now, she wouldn't fight it.

This is not at all to say that I don't want her to get better; I have always hoped she would make it to my wedding day, which is still many years in the future, and there is still so much more of her that I wish to know. But... I myself have never really been fearful of death, and I have the utmost respect for people who near the end of their life and greet it with peace, acceptance, and even joy at the coming release. Whatever is going through her head now, I hope it is peaceful and grateful. And whether she is going to recover from this or not, I hope she still feels the joy and love that was bestowed upon her at her birthday just days ago.

I will be flying to California in two days for Rosie's college graduation - I have not made this widely known because the trip is so short that I know I won't be able to see very many people and I don't want to be trying to run ten different directions in 72 hours. And while the graduation may be a big circus taking up lots of time, I am glad I'll be home. I just hope I will have a chance to see Nana and hug her while I am there. I hope she'll still be there.

Update!

2009-05-15T02:17:23Z

Welcome to the world, miss Jillian Piper!!

Arrived happy, healthy and mellow via C-section at 5:15 this evening.

6 pounds, 10 ounces, a good size.

Beth (the new mommy) sounded tired but happy and relieved on the phone. All hail the power of epidurals!

Congratulations Beth dear, I'm so thrilled for you! And your doggie daughters say hello!

Baby!

2009-05-14T14:45:07Z

A dear friend of mine, a single woman who has worked for years and years to become a mother, is in labor right now with her little girl!!

She's ten days over her due date, but the labor seems to have started on its own just a few hours before they were going to induce.

I am sooooooooo excited!!! I got to help plan the baby shower for this little one, and I've seen my friend go through all the struggles of getting pregnant and making this happen.... and now the day has arrived!!!

What's funny is that a couple weeks ago I had a dream that this baby was born on May 14th. I don't know why... my friend's birthday was Saturday and Mother's day was Sunday, both of which would have been great days for a birthday. But today is beautiful too!!

I only know this because I'm housesitting for my friend's dogs while she's in the hospital for the birth. They're about to become big furry sisters!!

Happy happy happy new life babies yay!!!